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The Dead Squire Sketch

Poster: TheUrsula@aol.com

The Dead Squire Sketch
(author/adaptor unknown)

Adapted from a certain Monty python sketch concerning a dead parrot.

1 = Customer 
2 = squire shop assistant

1 - I wish to register a complaint, hello Miss? 

2 - What do you mean miss? 

1 - I'm sorry I have a cold, I wish to make a complaint....... 

2 - I'm sorry we're closed for lunch...... 

1 - Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complaint about this here 
Squire wot I bought not an half hour ago from this here boutique. 

2- Ah yes, the um, the Midland Blue Surcoated. What's er, what's wrong 
with him? 

1 - I'll tell you what's wrong with him my lad, he's dead! Thet's what's 
wrong with him. 

2 - No, no, he's resting 

1 -Look matey, I know a dead squire when I see one, and I'm looking at 
one right know! 

2 - No, no, he's not dead he's resting. Remarkable Squire the Midland 
Blue, beautiful physique. 

1 -Physique don't enter into it , he's stone dead. 

2 - Na, na, he's er resting. 

1 - Alright then if he's resting, I'll wake him up.
HELLO SQUIRE!!!!!!! I've got a nice beer for you. 

2 - (Nudge table)
He moved! 

1 - No he didn't, you hit him. 

2 - No I didn't. 

1 - Yes you did.
Hello Squire, wakey wakey <hit squires head on table>
This is your nine o'clock alarm call. Bang Table
Now that is what I call a dead Squire. 

2 - He's stunned. 

1 - Stunned? 

2 - Yes, you stunned him just as he was waking up, Squires stun easily. 

1 - Now look , don't play the slippery fella with me, that squire is 
definitely deceased, and when purchasing him not half an hour ago you 
assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired 
and worn out after a long night on the beer. 

2 - Well he's pining for the battle. 

1 - Pining for the battle, what kind of talk is that? and why did he 
fall flat on his back the moment I got him to my castle? 

2 - The Midland Blue prefers kipping on his back, remarkable Squire, eh 
Sir Knight, beautiful physique 

1 - Look tosh! I took the liberty of examining this squire when I got 
home and the only reason he was upright was due to a polearm up his 

2 - Of course he had a polearm up his back, if I hadn't put it there he 
would have been straight over you castle walls, vroom!!!!! 

1 - Vroom? 

2 - Vroom! 

1 - Mate, this squire wouldn't vroom if you stuck a red hot poker up 
he's bum , he's bleeding demised! 

2 - No, no, its pining. 

1 - He's not Pining, he's...,he's past on, this squire is no more. He 
has ceased to be, he has expired and gone to meet his maker. He is a 
stiff. Bereft of life he rests in peace, if you hadn't nailed him to his 
horse he be pushing up the daisy's. He's off the boil. He's curled up 
his tootsies, he's shuffled off this mortal coil, he's run down the 
curtain to join the bleeding choir invisible. He's f*cking snuffed it. 
Viz a vi the metabolic processes he's had his lot. All statements to the 
effect that this squire is still a going concern are from now on 
inoperative. This is an Ex-Squire. 

2 - Well......, well I'd better replace it then. 

1 - If you want anything done on this country you got to scream until 
you're blue in the face. What's the news 

2 - Well I've had a look around the back and we are right out of 

1 - I see, I see, I get the picture. 

2 - I've got an archer. 

1 - Does it disappear when its time to armour up? 

2 - Yep! 

1 - Right I'll have that one then.

I thank you
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