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Miss Zelda Has a Website!!!

Poster: Miss Zelda <mizzzelda@dnaco.net>

Miss Zelda, SCA Advice columnist to the Medievally-Challenged now has a
website!!! Look it up at http://www.dnaco.net/sca/misszelda

Who is Miss Zelda? A column follows this text, just in case you're
curious. This is Episode 3 of 25. 

It comes out once or twice a month.Depends on how many letters I
recieve. It is only available on the webpage and via e-mail. Some
newsletters carry it, but only about a dozen. Have fun and enjoy!!!
--Miss Zelda

Miss Zelda Part 3:
Back once again for another bite of medieval yellow journalism
it's...Miss Zelda's On-line Advice Column and Pet Psychology clinic!!!!
 Miss Zelda is an award winning author in Nepal, and only does this
because it looks great on a resume, and makes her look like she actually
gives a rat's ***.
 Miss Zelda wishes it be known that the rumours of her marriage to Tito
Jackson are totally untrue! She married Jermaine.

>From this week's lousy excuse for a mailbag:

Dear Miss Zelda,
 Having read your column and heard your words of wise (?) advice, I beg
you to help me...What do I do with a family that keeps pushing ladies
off onto me, as I'm (gasp!) past 25 and still not married?  I have,
ahem, other interests, shall we say... All right, the truth is out, I'm
.. a... a ...KEPT MAN! Of the court!  The king pays me to go off and
count his monies for him, and that's all I want to do, none of this
other messy stuff.  What would I do with a child?  Or a wife?  I have a
scullery maid for the cleaning, and the cook for the meals, and the
chamberlain keeps me in paper and inks and pens... What should I do?
Sign me,
--Anxious in Avalon

Dear Anxious,
 After returning from a far off trip on your Liege Lord's business, you
should write and proclaim that you have at last found your "true
love"and she has agreed to marry you two months hence.
If they should visit, always be seen writing foppish love sonnets and
always speak of her eyes, her hair, her milky white skin, blah,blah,
 One month later, you have your Chatelaine write a letter, saying your
"true love" was killed by falling off a steed while hunting in Tuscany (
make up your own tragedy, don't steal my good stuff- I'm writing another
trashy novel) and you are so "beset by a deep grief he can neither eat
nor drink" he should also mention that you have started to become
"senile" and started to collect small bits of moss, because they remind
you of her, or something. 
 If they should come to visit when ever they say "re-marriage" you
scream and promptly run and throw yourself into the stream and attempt
to strangle yourself. They will soon learn to forget you ever even

Dear Miss Zelda,
 I am a young, ambitious squire who is patiently awaiting knighthood,
though I am not yet a very good fighter.  Is there any way to dispense
with the usual requirements of high fighting skill, so that I can get
knighted on the basis of something more fair than my talents and
--Impatient, Esquyre

Dear Impatient,
 Just by the fact that you can write makes me think you are a
well-mannered, learned, chivilrous young man. Which totally makes you
ill-suited for knighthood. Every knight I have ever known has been a
rude, drunken, illiterate, womanizing, selfish bastard. Now granted,
they are bloody great fun at parties, but I wouldn't trust a one to walk
a young nun back to the convent, if you know what I mean...
 But if you are serious about this knight thing, I suggest you practice
a different sort of prowess. Try to get yourself into the underdresses
of one of the King's concubines, she will certainly repay you with kind
whispers into the Kings ear. If you keep your head, you will make a fine
 P.S.: A quote I once heard at a witch burning in 1238, "It's not who
you kill, it's who doesn't kill you" I haven't an idea in the flat earth
what it means, but it sounded great at the time...think about it!
Thus brings an end to another chapter in the apparently ongoing attempt
that is "Miss Zelda's On-line Advice Column" All correspondence can be
sent to MizzZelda@dnaco.net, and to receive answers you REALLY WANT,
slipping a $20 in the mailbox doesn't hurt.
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