Just for a laugh---Toddler Miracle Diet

[Louise Sugar <dragonfyr@tycho.com>]

Poster: Louise Sugar <dragonfyr@tycho.com>

************** 
 Here's an interesting pre-Christmas concept!
 ----------
 
 The Toddler Miracle Diet:
 
 Over the years you may have  noticed, as I have, that most     
  two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black     
  coffee and a carrot that perhaps their  diet is the reason. After     
  consultation with pediatricians, X-ray  technicians, and distraught    
   moms, I was able to formulate this new  diet. It is inexpensive,     
  offering great variety and sufficient  quantity. Before embarking on   
    this diet, however, be sure to check  with your doctor first...     
  otherwise you might have to see him  afterward. Good luck!
 
 
 DAY ONE
   -------
 Breakfast
 One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape  jelly. Eat 2 bites of 
      egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the  floor. Take 1 bite  
  of    toast, then smear the jelly over your face  and clothes.
 
 Lunch
 Four crayons (any color), a  handful of potato chips, and a glass of    
   milk (3 sips only, then  spill the rest).
 
 Dinner
 A dry stick, two pennies  and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
 
 Bedtime Snack
 Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
 
 
 DAY TWO
 -------
 Breakfast
 Pick up stale  toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink half bottle  
    of vanilla  extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
 
 Lunch
 Half  a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog   
   Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
 
 Afternoon  Snack
 Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.     
  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean  again. Then bring    
   inside and drop on the rug.
 
 Dinner
 A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left    
  nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
 
 
 DAY THREE
 ---------
 Breakfast
 Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair.      
  Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After  breakfast,  
     pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and  put it on  
   the  cushion of your best chair.
 
 Lunch
 Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites    
  onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
 
 Dinner
 Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, coffee.
 
 
 FINAL DAY
 ---------
 Breakfast
 A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour 
     a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a half-cup of sugar.  
     Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
 
 Lunch
 Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find that sucker  
    and finish eating  it.
 
 Dinner
 A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.     
  Stick of mascara for dessert.
  >>


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