FW: [Fwd: [gdh] Fwd: Read Beowulf Now. Now, now, n

[irissam@stlabs.com]

Poster: irissam@stlabs.com



> Appropriate or not, period or not, this had me in stitches.  Enjoy.
> 
>                                              Beowulf
> 
> See Grendel.  See Grendel eat.  Eat, Grendel, eat.  Grendel is eating
> a few Danish for breakfast.  Grendel especially likes the ones with
> the yellow coating on top.  This is good because there are so many of
> them. Yummy!
> 
> See Hrothgar.  He is sad.  Sad, sad, sad.  His warriors are leaving.
> They are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do
> not want to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.
> 
> Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone.  Grendel eats
> the cows and pigs and horsies, too.   Grendel is very hungry.  Eat,
> Grendel, eat.
> 
> Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining.
> Whine, wife, whine.  Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for
> three days now.  Drink, Hrothgar, drink.  Hrothgar is almost out of
> mead. Poor Hrothgar.
> 
> See Beowulf.  He is big and strong and handsome.  He has long viking
> braids and pointy horns on his hat [cultural misconception but amusing
> nonetheless] and a really big sword.  Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!  He is
> sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar.  Sail, Beowulf, sail.  He does
> not know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead.  Poor Beowulf.
> 
> Beowulf likes to sail.  Beowulf likes to drink even more.  Poor
> Beowulf.
> 
> When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one feast.Poor
> Beowulf.  Poor Hrothgar.  Poor warriors.  Poor Grendel.  Beowulf is
> very mad.  Mad, mad, mad.
> 
> Beowulf vows to slay Grendel.  Vow, Beowulf, vow.  He promises to do
> many great feats.  He swears to return with Grendel's head.  Drink,
> Beowulf, drink.
> 
> Beowulf is lying very still.  Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No.
> Is he meditating?  No.  Is he practicing an arcane magical ritual
> involving alawn chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork?  No, he is
> unconscious.  Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him
> about his promises?  Won'the be happy to know that he has a quest?
> Won'the feel grand when the warriors cheer him?  No, Beowulf will not
> feel grand for a while.  He has a headache.  Poor Beowulf.  Please
> stop cheering, warriors.
> 
> Oh see the castle.  It is very quiet.  Is it quiet because everyone is
> afraid of Grendel?  No, it is because everyone is afraid of Beowulf.
> Beowulf has had a very bad headache for three days.  Last night
> Beowulf's head hurt so bad that he was very mad.  Mad, mad, mad.
> Grendel came over to play and made too much noise.  Beowulf was very
> upset.
> He was so upset that he ripped Grendel's arm off and hung it over the
> door.  Poor Grendel.  Poor warriors.  Smile at Beowulf.  Just do it
> quietly.
> 
> O see the feast hall.  It is bright and cheery.  There is food on the
> tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door.  See
> thefeasters.  They are singing and laughing and drinking.  Are they
> happy that Grendel is dead?  Yes, they are!  Are they happy that they
> can laugh and sing and play again?  Yes, they are, but most of all
> they are happy that there is more mead.  Drink, Beowulf, drink. 
> 
> O see Hrothgar.  He is happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  Is he happy that
> Grendel is dead?  Is he happy that there is more mead?  Yes, but he is
> mostly happy that his wife has stopped complaining.  Smile, Hrothgar,
> smile.
> 
> O see Grendel's mother.  She is sad.  Sad, sad, sad.  Is she sad
> because Grendel is gone?  Is she sad because her other children never
> call? Is she sad because the Angels are losing again?  Yes, she is sad
> because of all these things.  But she is mostly sad because she won't
> get any more mother's day presents.  This makes her mad.
> Mad, mad, mad! 
> 
> She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert. That
> is silly.  Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for
> breakfast.  Silly, silly, silly.
> 
> In fact it is so silly that we think that Grendel's mother may have
> had something besides food for dinner.  We think that Grendel's mother
> may have been drinking.  Just like Beowulf. 
> 
> O see Beowulf.  Now that there is mead again he is drinking some more.
> Drink, Beowulf, drink!  When Grendel's mother comes to the feast,
> Beowulf has already drunk quite a bit.  So has Grendel's mother.  He
> thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass
> at her.  She is caught off guard and says no.  Tease, monster, tease!
> Beowulf tries again.  She leaves and he goes home with her.  Grendel's
> mother was never heard from again.  Beowulf was very quiet about the
> whole situation.  Quiet, quiet, quiet.
> 
>                                                      The End
> 
> Charles T. Alderson
> aka(SCA): Aldred von Lechsend aus Froschheim
> froschheim@earthlink.net
> 
> "Stop quoting laws to us. We carry swords."
> Plutarch,   LIFE OF POMPEY, X, 2

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