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Humor - Viking Owners Manual

Poster: anjpeck@gte.net

Hi Folks ,
    I haven't seen this one on the Steppes before , so thought it might

> Forwarded from an unknown source via unknown number of people...
> So Mischievous One, you now have your very own Viking.  Did you know
> that care and handling of a Viking is a serious undertaking?  Not to
> mention the large amounts of meat, beer and mead needed, you also have
> to be an expert on cleaning furs, on them and around them!
> Beards are comb-able, but usually have food stuck in them, not to
> mention the odd small bird nest.  Hair can be braided, and if the beard
> is likewise long, a few braids can be done to minimize the number of
> small furry and feathery critters that move in.  This can be a good
> thing for you to try, but he may resist until you show him that the
> braids can be woven into spectacular knotwork patterns!
> Remove clothing before brushing the hair of your Viking.  Any
> resemblance to a bear is coincidental, and leave his father's heritage
> and mother's preferences out of the conversation.  Vikings are touchy
> about their heritage.  Being descended from a bear is not a bad thing
> for Vikings.
> Now those furs that he is dressed in!  Were they tanned properly?  Do
> they have an interesting odor?  Are they still alive and kicking?
> Insure they are quite dead before attempting cleaning.  Remove all
> insect life and dirt using a brush and beat the hung skin with a carpet
> whacker to loosen the deeply set dust and dirt.  Oh, and you should
> remove the skins from you Viking before beating them.  If the skins need
> washing, remember to use a mild soap and lanolin for the fur along with
> neatsfoot oil for the skin to prevent drying out.
> Another thing to consider with your Viking is to convince him to wear
> cloth under those skins.  Cloth is easier to clean and it resists those
> pests that like to climb into your bed with you!  Never give your Viking
> knitted undergarments, socks or caps as they are a sign that your
> affection is wavering!  Unless of course you are sending a signal, then
> you may accompany this signal with a 2x4 of appropriate length.  Use the
> 2x4 with the trademark side away from your Viking's head to reduce the
> chance of breakage, and take a full swing to get your Viking's full
> attention.  Removal of the helm is optional, but recommended, as you may
> damage the helm.
> The cloth you use on your Viking should be a heavy cotton such as
> Trigger or tent canvas.  Anything less is a waste of time and money as
> Vikings are notoriously hard on cloth.  If you Viking is camping, keep a
> fire extinguisher ready, especially if your Viking smokes.  They never
> learn to pull a branch from the fire to light their tobacco and are
> always catching their beards on fire (another reason to braid that beard
> and hair).
> Making love with a Viking is a major event for a Lady, well worth the
> effort!  First, remove all weaponry from him.  A good compromise is to
> leave the axe beside the bed and the knives on the nightstand.  Never
> allow him to "Just keep one!", as it will invariably end up in your
> derriere at the most inopportune moment when he is not worried about why
> you are screaming!  Be firm here.  Speaking of firm, warm is good.  So
> when you strip him of all of those furs, they make dandy floor coverings
> in front of the fire place or on the bed to keep warm.  Never overlook
> an opportunity like that!  Oh, and you should try to keep you Viking
> from drinking too much before bed time.  This is probably going to be
> difficult, but I will leave the methods for this to your fertile and
> mischievous imagination!
> So have fun with your Viking, and remember to make sure he learns to
> swim, keeps his boat clean, and polishes his weapons carefully!

Men of the High North, the wild sky is blazing, Islands of opal float on
silver sea; 
Swift splendors kindle, barbaric, amazing; Pale ports of amber, golden
Ringing all round us the proud peaks are glowing; 
Fierce chiefs in council, their longhall the sky.<R.Service>

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