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Humor - Viking Owners Manual
Poster: anjpeck@gte.net
Hi Folks ,
I haven't seen this one on the Steppes before , so thought it might
amuse....
>
> Forwarded from an unknown source via unknown number of people...
>
> So Mischievous One, you now have your very own Viking. Did you know
> that care and handling of a Viking is a serious undertaking? Not to
> mention the large amounts of meat, beer and mead needed, you also have
> to be an expert on cleaning furs, on them and around them!
>
> Beards are comb-able, but usually have food stuck in them, not to
> mention the odd small bird nest. Hair can be braided, and if the beard
> is likewise long, a few braids can be done to minimize the number of
> small furry and feathery critters that move in. This can be a good
> thing for you to try, but he may resist until you show him that the
> braids can be woven into spectacular knotwork patterns!
>
> Remove clothing before brushing the hair of your Viking. Any
> resemblance to a bear is coincidental, and leave his father's heritage
> and mother's preferences out of the conversation. Vikings are touchy
> about their heritage. Being descended from a bear is not a bad thing
> for Vikings.
>
> Now those furs that he is dressed in! Were they tanned properly? Do
> they have an interesting odor? Are they still alive and kicking?
> Insure they are quite dead before attempting cleaning. Remove all
> insect life and dirt using a brush and beat the hung skin with a carpet
> whacker to loosen the deeply set dust and dirt. Oh, and you should
> remove the skins from you Viking before beating them. If the skins need
> washing, remember to use a mild soap and lanolin for the fur along with
> neatsfoot oil for the skin to prevent drying out.
>
> Another thing to consider with your Viking is to convince him to wear
> cloth under those skins. Cloth is easier to clean and it resists those
> pests that like to climb into your bed with you! Never give your Viking
> knitted undergarments, socks or caps as they are a sign that your
> affection is wavering! Unless of course you are sending a signal, then
> you may accompany this signal with a 2x4 of appropriate length. Use the
> 2x4 with the trademark side away from your Viking's head to reduce the
> chance of breakage, and take a full swing to get your Viking's full
> attention. Removal of the helm is optional, but recommended, as you may
> damage the helm.
>
> The cloth you use on your Viking should be a heavy cotton such as
> Trigger or tent canvas. Anything less is a waste of time and money as
> Vikings are notoriously hard on cloth. If you Viking is camping, keep a
> fire extinguisher ready, especially if your Viking smokes. They never
> learn to pull a branch from the fire to light their tobacco and are
> always catching their beards on fire (another reason to braid that beard
> and hair).
>
> Making love with a Viking is a major event for a Lady, well worth the
> effort! First, remove all weaponry from him. A good compromise is to
> leave the axe beside the bed and the knives on the nightstand. Never
> allow him to "Just keep one!", as it will invariably end up in your
> derriere at the most inopportune moment when he is not worried about why
> you are screaming! Be firm here. Speaking of firm, warm is good. So
> when you strip him of all of those furs, they make dandy floor coverings
> in front of the fire place or on the bed to keep warm. Never overlook
> an opportunity like that! Oh, and you should try to keep you Viking
> from drinking too much before bed time. This is probably going to be
> difficult, but I will leave the methods for this to your fertile and
> mischievous imagination!
>
> So have fun with your Viking, and remember to make sure he learns to
> swim, keeps his boat clean, and polishes his weapons carefully!
Lyulf
--
anjpeck@gte.net
http://home1.gte.net/anjpeck/index.htm
Men of the High North, the wild sky is blazing, Islands of opal float on
silver sea;
Swift splendors kindle, barbaric, amazing; Pale ports of amber, golden
argosies.
Ringing all round us the proud peaks are glowing;
Fierce chiefs in council, their longhall the sky.<R.Service>
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