WEll, Umberto and Rheinwin(I know I slaughtered the spelling, can't
spell in english let alone Welsh)
May be living in Wales, but some days it seems like they are right
next door! Here is her latest contribution to the keep MissB Sane
<ROTFLMAO!> Oh, this is exquisite!
Associate Owner's Manual
Complete information on raising and caring for your Associate, no
By Mistress NoProblem and Sir Polearm With assistance from Master
You are the proud owner of an associate, (or two or three ....).
you are a Knight, Laurel or Pelican, this is the book for you. If you
a new Peer and have just begun to think about taking associates you
want to read this book in its entirety. If you are an experienced
associate owner that is experiencing problems with your associate you
skip to the section that applies.
Associates first seem to be honest, trustworthy, thrifty, local and
but you will soon find out that they have some undesirable habits and
must be housebroken. You will notice that they are often completely
clueless, especially when being introduced to someone you most want to
Owning an associate can be thrilling, fun and rewarding. It can also be
frightening, exhausting and time consuming.
WARNING: TAKING AN ASSOCIATE MOST OFTEN MEANS YOU HAVE ALSO GAINED
ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD. IF BEING CALLED GRANDMA OR GRANDPA BY SOMEONE WHO
OLDER THAN YOUR MOTHER'S UNDERWEAR BOTHERS YOU, RECONSIDER ASSOCIATE
General Care and Feeding
In most cases, you will find that the associate you have chosen has
the most rudimentary training, so you must supplement this with the
training necessary for them to function in polite society. This
consists of Discipline, Table Manners, and Court Etiquette.
This is the most necessary item in your associate's development -
learning who is master and must be handled with care to prevent
its spirit. When a associate first misbehaves, slap it firmly on the
while saying, "No, No! Bad (Squire, Apprentice, Protege)". If this
unacceptable behavior continues, stronger measures may be necessary.
Peer's method is to pick it up by the scruff of the neck, shake it till
its eyes rattle, then throw it against the wall. This method has been
highly recommended and is very effective. WARNING: DO NOT UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES BEAT SQUIRES AS THEY ONLY ENJOY IT.
Associates have notoriously bad table manners and may have to be
retrained from scratch. A bib is usually necessary until they acquire
some basic skills. Once these skills have been learned, you may decide
let your associate sit at the table on a trial basis. WARNING: DO NOT
YOUR ASSOCIATES SIT WITH YOU IF YOU ARE AT A MODERN RESTAURANT! THEY
THROW THEIR FOOD, MAKE RUDE COMMENTS TO THE WAIT STAFF AND STICK YOU
Teaching your associate to behave in court is the most difficult, if
impossible task you will face. They are prone to sudden outbursts,
nothing to do with what is going on in court, and will utterly
you. It is your responsibility to alter this behavior, if you can.
to the section on Discipline for proper methods of instruction. In
cases, refer to the chapter on Diseases, particularly Hoof in Mouth
Disease. If you manage to train them to sit quietly and attentively
during court, congratulate yourself. WARNING: PELICANS MUST SEARCH
ASSOCIATES BEFORE EACH COURT. Protegees are easily bored and tend to
bubbles, rubber bands and spit wads for their entertainment during
Most associates will consume vast quantities of anything, except in
cases where they have an aversion to liver or green things. You must be
careful not to overfeed your associate as it will eat everything placed
before it until it bursts, and then you will have to clean up the mess.
Squires will consume all the beer in any cooler they can find. It is
to have two coolers. One in plain sight that contains cheap nasty beer.
The cooler holding your beer should be hidden carefully under your bed
wrapped in a chain with a STRONG lock.
Apprentices favorite beverages involve portable blenders, fruit, ice
rum. On cold days these may be replaced with Irish coffee. Food must be
prepared in a manor that can not possible harm their newest, outfit,
scroll, commission, etc.
Proteges will eat anything that can be consumed quickly and on the run.
Their preferred drink is strong coffee and always keep LOTS of
on hand for emergencies.
Most associates have harmless fantasies of someday obtaining the rank
Peer (except Proteges who, as everyone knows, are masochists, convinced
that they will never be worthy of elevation) ; these are normal and
should be encouraged. However, some fantasies are totally unrealistic
sick. Fantasies which include killing the other sides Kings on the
at Pennsic, completely carving new thrones in two weeks time, and
autocrating Pennsic should be discouraged.
If any evidence of such abnormal fantasies should appear, drastic
measures may be necessary such as making them listen to the top ten
hits by Slim Whitman, or watching Rob Roy ten times, or reading the
Corpora without yawning, or any other appropriate disciplinary
to shock them out of their sick behavior.
Hoof in Mouth
A major disease among associates, varying in severity. This disease can
be recognized by frequent outbursts of sarcasm, insults, and generally
tacky comments. Apprentices seem to have the mildest cases with rampant
outbursts directed only at each other. Squires are most likely to
contract this disease after consuming vast quantities of alcohol.
Proteges have the most severe cases, and most often will involve
volunteering YOU and your household for various duties, and frequently
forgetting to tell you until the Thursday before.
Also called "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some
worms ." 'Nuff said.
This disease affects mostly Apprentices, who believe that everyone is
persecuting them. Proteges are often convinced their blunder will cause
the Knowne World, as we know it, to cease to exist. Squires KNOW that
everyone is out to get them (and their new armor).
WARNING: THIS IS AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SECTION. IF YOU READ NO OTHER
SECTION, READ THIS. THE LIFE YOU SAVE MAY BE YOUR OWN.
The spy networks are inter-related groups whose sole ambition in life
to get everyone, especially you, in trouble. Until recently, little
information was available on the two main groups, but with the aid of
Master InkyFingers, we have identified them fully. For ease of
we will use the same classifications already in use in Meridies.
PSN - (Peer Spy Network)
This is the largest and most reliable group and consists of peers,
related to peers (spouses, associates, children, etc.) and those who
sold out to the peers. They report directly and only to the peers all
information, gossip, slander, and secrets they can ferret out in any
possible. They are the ones most likely to be kind and warn you when
associate is about to make of fool of themselves or you.
ISN - (Independent Spy Network)
This group consists of any member of the populace. They will sell out
personal profit, advantage, or just for the fun of it, to either and/or
both sides. WARNING: THIS GROUP DELIGHTS IN MAKING SURE THE KINGDOM
WONDERFUL THINGS LIKE: IT WAS YOUR squire THAT VOMITED INTO THE KINGS
HELM DURING THE LAST POST REVEL, YOUR APPRENTICE WAS THE ONE THAT
SALT FOR SUGAR WHILE COOKING THE LAST FEAST, AND YOUR PROTEGE FORGOT TO
ORDER THE TOILET PAPER FOR PENNSIC.
AIA - (Associates Intelligence Agency)
This is a close-knit, tight-lipped, group, dedicated to preserving the
notion that all that your associates do is for your honor and glory.
Never in any circumstances expect them to "rat out" a fellow associate.
(Unless of course you offer them, beer, chocolate or way cool fabric.)
In conclusion, you can see that owning an associate can be more
troublesome than owning any other pet. However, it does have its
rewards... although we have yet to figure out what they are...
Mistress NoProblem and Sir Polearm
DO YOU YAHOO!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com