Free offer of humour

[MizzZelda@aol.com]

Hello, My name is Miss Zelda, and I hail from Barony Flaming Gryphon in the
Middle Kingdom. I write a medieaval advice column for those on the internet.
A few baronial/shire newsletters print my column, I do not chatge anything
other than a FREE subscription to the newsletter if possible. I found your
address on the net, and open the invitation for you to join. This is the only
time you will recieve this unless you send me a e-mail note saying you wish
to be on the list. And if you ever want off it will be just as easy. This
coulumn contains real letters from readers, and is published about every two
weeks.
Miss Zelda cvurrently has over 250 internet subscribers, and is published in
upwards of 7 knowne worlde newlstters of the SCA variety.
I hope you enjoy it, and if you like it, send me a note. I also offer to send
you all the previous issues, 15 in all. Just ask!
Zelda
-----------------------------------------
Welcome to another lice infested, medievally-filled episode of Miss Zelda's
On-line Advice Column and Spam Hatchery (you really didn't believe it was
FOOD did you?) The only advice column that comes to you in the late of
night.....sort of like a disease you have you don't mention in public.
Miss Zelda is not a licensed pshycologist, but then niether are you. So
there.
 Miss Zelda is brought to you today by the 'Society to Erradicate Garbed
Geese' a non-profit society to free all cement geese forced to wear sissy
clothes against their will. Donations to "S'Egg" pay the costs of repairs to
the sledgehammers that release them from their pain.  If you join S'Egg today
you get a free sledgehammer totebag! A $19.95 value FREE -just for joining!

Miss Zelda is a bit late this time, you know how those Extradition hearings
go.....

Dear Miss Zelda,
                    I am in charge of the Duke of  Edinburgh's library.  Last
night the Duke's son came and asked to borrow one of the books overnight.
 When I declined, telling him that they were chained to the shelves, he asked
if I couldn't just saw one loose "for him."
                    Miss Zelda, this little idiot doesn't even know
"amo-amas-amat", and I know that all he wants to do is commit horrible vices
over the racy illuminations in some of the classical books.
                    But then again, he IS the duke's son.
What should I do?  -Brother Liber

Dear Brother,
                    There is nothing wrong with enjoying the classics in your
own way (unless of course you live in Cincinnati...) but with child of this
age it can be a problem.
                    The challenge is to make it educational at the same time.
I suggest you make tracings of the pages' illuminations and let him paint
them himself, letting him learn the arts too! ( and perhaps inspiring him to
be a painter or scribe) This way the delicate pages will not be damaged by
over-anxious hands.
                    Of course, you should ask the Baron about lending
policies for his library to his son, and be sure to show him the book in
question. With any luck the little twerp will be beaten within an inch of his
life. Possibly even sent to a monastery to clear his mind of such thoughts,
but then he'll be some other librarian's problem!

Dear Mizz Zelda,
          I hope you can help me.
          I am soon to wed to most daring, dashing and ever so scrumptious
young chevalier, Christian, but we have a problem.  No, nothing like that;
the problem, quite frankly, is my Mother.
          Christian and I are agreed that the wedding ought to be Burgundian,
15th century, but Mother insists that it be 11th century Irish.
          How can I tell my mother to stop living in the past?
Signed,  -Up to Date
PS: RSVP for yourself and guest.  (I haven't invited Dr. Joyce Brothers.)

Dear Dated,
         Frankly, your Mum is right.
         I have been married 8 times and, believe you me, after that wedding
is over the last thing you want to do is fight your sweating heaving bodies
out of all that foppish velvet drapery. After all that waiting, or PRETENDING
to be waiting...then you have to find the energy to.....if  you can.
         The Irish dress is the best: release two clasps and let the week fly
by!
         Don't make it difficult on yourself, cheat and use velcro tabs, that
way in the heat of passion you don't have to pause for emergency first aid to
fix a pierced thumb.

Well that's about it for this week's exciting edition.
          Miss Zelda welcomes the  "The Tale of  the Dragon" newsletter,
House Dragon's Lair in Barony Dreiburgen in the lovely Kingdom of Caid
(Riverside, California area) for being the first to publish Miss Zelda in
their monthly newsletter.
          Remember my fee for this "favor", Lord Miguel...nude photos of
 Jerry Brown and Michelle , er....Michael Jackson. In COLOR, and at least an
5X7. You know where to send it.
 If you have questions, comments, wanting to be added to/removed from the
extremely exclusive Miss Zelda Patented mailing list, death threats or
anything in between, write Miss Zelda at MizzZelda@aol.com