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a sick beowulf courtesy of Ld. Gaffer

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Who could resist great literature like this?

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        See Grendel.  See Grendel eat.  Eat, Grendel, eat.  Grendel is eating
a few Danish for breakfast.  Grendel especially likes the ones with the
coating on top.  This is good because there are so many of them.  Yummy!

        See Hrothgar.  He is sad.  Sad, sad, sad.  His warriors are leaving.
They are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do not
to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.

        Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone.  Grendel eats
the cows and pigs and horsies, too.   Grendel is very hungry.  Eat, Grendel,

        Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining.
Whine, wife, whine.  Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three
days now.  Drink, Hrothgar, drink.  Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor

        See Beowulf.  He is big and strong and handsome.  He has long viking
braids and pointy horns on his hat [cultural misconception but amusing
nonetheless] and a really big sword.  Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!  He is sailing to
Denmark to visit Hrothgar.  Sail, Beowulf, sail.  He does not know that
Hrothgar is almost out of mead.  Poor Beowulf.

        Beowulf likes to sail.  Beowulf likes to drink even more.  Poor

        When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one feast.Poor
Beowulf.  Poor Hrothgar.  Poor warriors.  Poor Grendel.  Beowulf is very mad.
Mad, mad, mad.  

        Beowulf vows to slay Grendel.  Vow, Beowulf, vow.  He promises to do
many great feats.  He swears to return with Grendel's head.  Drink, Beowulf,

        Beowulf is lying very still.  Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No.
Is he meditating?  No.  Is he practicing an arcane magical ritual involving a
lawn chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork?  No, he is unconscious.
he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him about his promises?  Won't
he be happy to know that he has a quest? Won't
he feel grand when the warriors cheer him?  No, Beowulf will not feel grand
for a while.  He has a headache.  Poor Beowulf.  Please stop cheering,

        Oh see the castle.  It is very quiet.  Is it quiet because everyone
afraid of Grendel?  No, it is because everyone is afraid of Beowulf.  Beowulf
has had a very bad headache for three days.  Last night Beowulf's head hurt
bad that he was very mad.  Mad, mad, mad.  Grendel came over to play and made
too much noise.  Beowulf was very upset.  He was so upset that he ripped
Grendel's arm off and hung it over the door.
Poor Grendel.  Poor warriors.  Smile at Beowulf.  Just do it quietly.

        O see the feast hall.  It is bright and cheery.  There is food on the
tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door.  See the
feasters.  They are singing and laughing and drinking.  Are they happy that
Grendel is dead?  Yes, they are!  Are they happy that they can laugh and sing
and play again?  Yes, they are, but most of all they are happy that there is
more mead.  Drink, Beowulf, drink.

        O see Hrothgar.  He is happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  Is he happy that
Grendel is dead?  Is he happy that there is more mead?  Yes, but he is mostly
happy that his wife has stopped complaining.  Smile, Hrothgar, smile.

        O see Grendel's mother.  She is sad.  Sad, sad, sad.  Is she sad
because Grendel is gone?  Is she sad because her other children never call?
Is she sad because the Angels are losing again?  Yes, she is sad because of
all these things.  But she is mostly sad because she won't get any more
mother's day presents.  This makes her mad.  Mad, mad, mad!

        She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert.
is silly.  Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for breakfast.
Silly, silly, silly.  

        In fact it is so silly that we think that Grendel's mother may have
had something besides food for dinner.  We think that Grendel's mother may
have been drinking.  Just like Beowulf.

        O see Beowulf.  Now that there is mead again he is drinking some
Drink, Beowulf, drink!  When Grendel's mother comes to the feast, Beowulf has
already drunk quite a bit.  So has Grendel's mother.  He thinks she is the
most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at her.  She is caught off
guard and says no.  Tease, monster, tease! Beowulf tries again.  She leaves
and he goes home with her.  Grendel's mother
was never heard from again.  Beowulf was very quiet about the whole
Quiet, quiet, quiet. 

                                                     The End

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