Re: Galen: courtly behavior

[LadyVXN@aol.com]

Poster: LadyVXN@aol.com

In a message dated 2/17/99 10:30:04 AM Eastern Standard Time, Chindora@aol.com
writes:

<< A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to
 visit a dear friend in Berkeley California.  This was a gentleman that I had
 grown up with and so knew quite well.  I was taken aback when I noticed that
 during the time I had been there he had never, not once, made the effort to
 open my car door or any other door for that matter.   The last day that I was
 visiting I asked him about it and his reply surprised me.  He said that when
 he was going through doors and made the gesture to open it and hold it open
 for a woman, that he got rude responses running the gamut from hard stares to
 outright verbal hostility.   Not from other men, but from the women. Seems
 that they felt that he was trying to imply that they were weak and could not
 do it themselves.  I was astounded because I was raised that it is a mark of
 respect for someone to open a door for another person, even if only simple
 social etiquette and not a grand gesture.  He said that he had been so
blasted
 by women for doing this that he had just gotten out of the habit and had
 forgotten how nice it was to be appreciated and not criticized for doing
 something that he thought of only as a sign of politeness. >>

I have heard this too - it mostly came up in the 1970s, when feminism first
came into flower ... at the time, women had begun to consider it personally
and politically disrespectful to a woman if a man "patronized" her by holding
a door or showing other basic courtesies. Some men were so seared by that
era's attitudes that even today they will not show basic courtesies, for fear
of being reprimanded.

I have an acquantance, a gentleman in his early 40s. One afternoon he was at
my house, and he watched me put together a rather sizable bookcase without
even offering to lift a finger to help. I finally asked him why he didn't even
offer to help, and he told me of his own searings. I let him know that offers
of help, and evidences of courtly behavior, are always appreciated by me. He's
now getting better - he will come to the passenger side and open a car door
for me first before opening his own door - but he still has a ways to go!

--Amy
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