(Fwd) Finally the Voice of Reason

[andreah@cpsnet.com]

Poster: andreah@cpsnet.com

OOP, but something cute none the less.

>Subject: Finally the Voice of Reason
>
>If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
>
>1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not
>face-concealing ones.
>
>2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. As an extra
>security measure, there will be motion and heat detectors every 12 inches.
>
>3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not kept
>anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
>
>4. Any form of death will _not_ be too good for my enemies.
>
>5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
>Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of
>Eternity. It will be in my pocket.
>
>6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. I'll
>just kill them.
>
>7. When a rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one battle, and asks, "Or are
>you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be "No, just
>sensible."
>
>8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Before you pull the trigger,
>can you tell me your secret plan?", I'll laser his ass, and then say "No".
>
>9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be immediately married in a
>quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which
>the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
>
>10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism in my mother ship.
>
>11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the cute and cuddly infant
>who is destined to overthrow me. I'll vaporize the kid myself.
>
>12. I will not interrogate my enemies within the walls of my secret inner
>sanctum. Any small space station well outside my borders will work just as
>well.
>
>13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will have no need to
>prove my superiority by dropping clues in the form of riddles, leaving weaker
>enemies alive to show they pose no threat, or having the shackled-and-gagged
>rebel leader dragged behind me to witness the destruction of his home world.
>
>14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm
>not accountable to anyone, and my enemies wouldn't believe it, anyway.
>
>15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy", and
>simply choose not show any.
>
>16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
>plans that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
>
>17. All slain enemies will be vaporized, not left for dead at the bottom of a
>cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
>celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
>
>18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of
>my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to
>any other dress codes.
>
>19. Rebel leaders will not be entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
>any other form of last request.
>
>20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If, however, such
>a device is unavoidable, I will set it to blow when the counter reaches 180.
>
>21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist
>to assist me, I will insure he is sufficiently twisted as to never regret his
>evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's done.
>
>22. I will never utter the sentence: "But before I kill you, there's just one
>thing I want you to know."
>
>23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
>advice.
>
>24. I will periodically wipe out all members of my inner circle.

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