A Discussion of a Banter: Courtesy and Apologies

[Lance Harrop <lharrop@mrj.com>]

Lady Dragonfyr of Draconmere writes:

> I was told that the gentleman's reputation is spotless and his courtesy.
> unquestioned and I had some nerve to attack him in this fashion.  

MY GOD, who told you that?  I've had to make more private and public 
apologies that just about anyone on this list.  I've offended Princes and 
Countesses and many others and many have I kneeled to (I've never had an 
apology I MADE not accepted).

On the other hand, many people have also chosen to TAKE offense at my 
words, and I am not in the habit of apologizing for their CHOICE.  When I 
wrote privately to you, I meant that -I- would not want to use the nubile 
daughters of Stierbach to recruit, especially to recruit adults.  Your 
original post mentioning your twelve year old daughter DID NOT MENTION 
twelve year old boys.  But I did not then nor do I now seek to suggest 
pandering on your part.  You merely got involved in a Bantering thread, 
and I replied privately and publicly, the later more carefully of course.

> My reputation was called into question and I have been not too subtlely 
> informed that even the dimmest of dullards knows where and when he is 
> neither wanted nor welcome.  I am unsubscribing to the list....I was 
> unaware that Atlantia was this type of place. I have even been chastized
> from the throne, unfairly I feel, but chastized nonetheless.

My Lady, -I- do not ask you to leave the Merry Rose.  Nor, do I think, do 
the HEIRS of Atlantia wish you to leave.  While I don't know what TYPE of 
place you now assume Atlantia to be, it is still one where a Lady may ask 
for an apology.  Just don't assume that you will get one, because just 
because you CHOOSE to take offense at my words, does not mean that by the 
rules of courtesy, I have GIVEN offense with my words.  

Somewhere in this thread someone has wisely said that you can't claim
a gentleman is being offensive when skirting the margins of courteous 
conduct, which most assurdedly BANTER on the Merry Rose is, until you've
had a chance to tell him of your displeasure.  Unfortunately, what you
and a number of other people have not considered is that I am not 
frequenting the Merry Rose every day of my life, and your comments to me
may have to wait a couple of days for a reply.  If you had waited, after 
sending me a private message, before sending a public demand for my 
apology, you might not have received the full satisfaction you desired of 
me, but neither would you have been publically and privately abused by 
other patrons of the Merry Rose.

As His Highness, Prince Logan as pointed out,  a sense of humor is a 
wonderful thing.  Also important, I believe, is a sense of proportion.  An 
expectation of courteous conduct, even from such as -I-, is not too much 
to expect on the Merry Rose.  However, when you choose to make demands of 
another's courtesy, as you have done in the Merry Rose, it is best to 
have discussed the matter with the gentle fully and privately to reach a 
common understanding of each person's concerns before going public.

As I said, I've made apologies before.  Doubtless, as I am not one to shy 
from the edge of contraversy, I will make apologies again.  In this, I 
think myself better then those who would deny their fault, whether they 
be King or Lady, and will not admit their error.  Even amoungst those who 
have written to defend you, My Lady, is one whom I've approached time 
after time, telling her a certain conduct of hers is evil in my eye.  She 
has of yet, not ceased in this conduct, nor do I believe she ever will.

Such, I fear, is courtesy in the SCA.

Humbly,

Lord Leifr Johansson
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